An oldie but a goodie?

*Originally posted on November 23, 2006. Every so often I will be pulling some of my older posts from my other blog that I will be removing soon. This is just because I am too lazy to write something*

WOW

WOW

wow

So we had a long talk last night. Not long enough, I suppose, but I had to run off to physio. I am even more confused, lost, frustrated, hurt, lonely, torn, and humbled than I was before :( The good news about it all... Is I came out of it with a new sense of myself. I learned a few things about how I am perceived, things that I could and cannot see, but will try hard to work on. Improving yourself isn't changing for someone, its GROWING. I have a lot of growing to do I think. This is why communication is such an integral part of a relationship. It is something that sadly most take for granted. I thought that it was him, and not me, that was having so much difficulty communicating..... but you know, by taking a step back and recalling conversations, thoughts, and all of that combined, it is a two-way street in that department. I have SUCH a difficult time expressing how I really feel.... what is bothering me....and what I cant tolerate.... And apparently I tend to turn things around so they are not my fault, but someone else's, or even a combined effort. Do I do this? Do I pass the buck? Do I not accept responsibility? I pick my side, of course, so I don't see it... but to have it pointed out to me means someone does, and there is always truth (even if its just a little bit) to everything that is said. It has also been said that I am disagreeable. That perhaps I look for a fight. It hurt to have all the nasty things that have happened between my friends (sorry if I am using the "f" word...I just chose not to use EX-Friend) and I brought back up.... because to me, I felt and still feel justified in my actions and reactions. BUT, a good point was raised. Am I not happy? Am I so miserable that I have to make others that way as well?

TO me, I am happy. To me, I smile regardless whether something is bothering me. And I do this, because I try not to let stress get me down. Or so I think. Others perceive me so much differently that I see myself. Wouldn't it be great if we could step outside our bodies and just watch ourselves for a few hours, a few days, or even a few weeks. We are all judgemental in our own way, and I wonder what kind of judgements we would pass on ourselves. Would I think I was fat? Would I think I had a terrible sense of style? (Believe me, we women think ALL theses things about other women!). Would I think my voice was annoying? Silly and trivial things... but they all come down to the bottom line... how are we perceived?

Over the last year my life has taken some tumultuous twists and turns. And I think for the most part I have held my head high and tried to be the strong person that I am. I know that I am not perfect. I know that some of my actions have hurt people. I know that other peoples actions have hurt me. But, I am no better. Regardless of the words I type here.... today, yesterday, a month ago... I am the same, no better or nor worse

To those of you I have hurt, I am sorry.
To those of you that have hurt me, I am sorry as well.

We are all human beings, with thoughts, feelings, emotions, and HEARTS. And from today on, I am going to put a mighty conscious effort into realizing that I am not ONE person on this earth, but one of many million people that are here to do the same thing I am.

SURVIVE.