End of My Rope

So I just "finished" a 14+ hour day with Max, alone no help beyond taking him to play group for 40 minutes and then swimming at Fleur's for two hours. The terrible two's. The testy two's. Max is always trying to push my limits. Not listening, rebelling. Its frustrating. Jon had his dinner with his friends tonight. He never goes out (and I always have my volunteer committee meeting etc and leave him at home with Max) he deserves to go out and have fun, see his friends. But tonight, after dealing with Max being obnoxious and not listening for hours on end I just couldn't help but resent him. Maybe its because when I do go out in the evenings its never really out - its a stupid meeting usually over by 8, I am home by 8:15, no fun, no frolic. No laughing with friends,dinner, drinks having fun. Its me slaving away, coming up with ideas that make other people money. Me doing work for free hoping to get a bone in this small pond where I am a big fish, just an unpaid and used one. I suppose I could say no, but I am always afraid I am going to miss out on something. Or maybe its just my nature to be a do-gooder, and get walked all over.

I have spent my night wrestling with max. laying in our bed with him hoping he would go to sleep. He didn't until 9:40Its frustrating. I haven't had any time to myself today. Maybe I should have told Jon to go out on Weds after Max was in daycare, when I wouldn't be in a pissy mood from literally being a housewife all day (which is incredibly dull, boring and hard work - emptying dishwashers, loading dishwashers, doing laundry, cleaning up toys, taking out trash, dealing with a high-maintenance 2.5 year old).

I loath doing the dishes all the time, laundry, spending half my morning in a tank top and leggings feeling fat and old and common trying to tear my child away from the TV (putting his hands on the TV that is). I know everyone thinks that I have it really good right now, but honestly I would give anything to be back at work, have someone to go eat lunch with, my own paycheck - being able to wear all my favorite clothes and heels and knowing that Max is happy and adjusted with a babysitter or in full time pre-school daycare being cared for.

Its been a long day. I know I am ranting. I have a migraine. The Princess Bride is on (with commercials) and I really should just go to bed I have an interview tomorrow at a temp agency (and I need to be a Polly Positive).