I really don't recommend pre-teens, can we skip this part?

Actual conversation with my 9 year old:

Her: Mom, I am pretty sure I am going through puberty

Me: Honey, you are too young, I am sure you aren’t

Her: Well, I don’t want to until I am 19

Me: Ok honey, but I think it will happen before then

Her: When Mom? Tomorrow?

Me: Good god. It better not

Honestly, 9 year old girls are pre-hormonal anyways. Argue all you want, but until you have a daughter who will scream in your face one minute because she cannot believe you just asked her to pick up her laundry, and then crawls into your lap and wants to shove her face in your armpit for a cuddle, you will never understand the moods that I have become to call “the 9 year meltdown”.

What the hell am I going to do when she’s 13 and bleeding?

I’m moving to Argentina.

Actual conversation with my husband:

Him: Why Argentina?

Me: Because I can live in a tee pee and participate in drum circles

Him: You are so strange

Me: This way you can have the tampon talk

Him: I'll move out first

True story.