Day Four: Stuck

This is Masana, age 15 months. Her expression says it all.

Today was a step backwards. I talked to my sister on the phone and realized that I am still really angry.


This doesn't bode well, since I pride myself on being ahead of the curve in all aspects of life. I guess it's symptomatic of a chronic over-achiever, but, hey, I'm a New Yorker. That pretty much says it all, right?

For those who are unfamiliar with it, the stages of grief are:

1. Shock and Denial
2. Pain and Guilt
3. Anger and Bargaining
4. Depression, Reflection, and Loneliness
5. The Upward Turn
6. Reconstruction and Working Through
7. Acceptance and Hope

I thought on was on stage 4, but apparently I'm stuck at stage 3.

But if I'm honest with myself, then I could admit to having the urge to smack really annoying people in my everyday life. Like the idiot who got mad at a friend of mine for sending a group sympathy gift without her contribution despite several attempts to accommodate her. Or the dummy who has already seen me in public, yet decided a week later to actually say, "Oh, I've been meaning to call you" --in front of a huge crowd so she wouldn't have time to talk to me and when it was apparent that she truly had no such intention. Or the genius who complained about her mother to me--to ME! Are you kidding?

Crap. I thought this part was over. Which makes me even more angry. Why can't I be depressed already? This just sucks.

Conclusion: you can't rush grief or it'll just piss you off.