Quotes of the Day

And to conclude with a fireworks display of humor:

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

And my personal favorite:

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me".

Quote of the Day

What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

Quote of the Day

There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.

Quote of the Day

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

Quote of the Day

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.

Quote of the Day

People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.

Quote of the Day (a Twofer!)

Never have more children than you have car windows.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

Quote of the Day

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Quote of the Day

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?

Quote of the Day

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

Quote of the Day

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.

Quote of the Day

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

Quote of the Day

I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: "Checkout Time is 18 years."

Quote of the Day

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

Quote of the Day

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

Quote of the Day

House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.

Quote of the Day

God created man, but I could do better.

Quote of the Day

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.

Quote of the Day

For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.

Quote of the Day

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.