Avocado's and 2nd base. Not related

What happens in Vegas never really stays in Vegas does it? So I decided it really wasn’t fair to NOT share my experiences since I have told about a kajillion people anyways, so what would it hurt to actually post about it?

Well, it may cause some judgments, but I have never been accused of being classy by any means, so I am not too concerned with any of your judgments about me any ways. If I was, I would be writing you frequent drivel about how perfect I am and how my life is all rainbows and lollipops and we all know I certainly do NOT post that shit. Much.

The trip started out innocently enough…no random car searches at the border, a leisurely lunch at Subway (cause they offer avocado in the USA, and Canada has not jumped on that bandwagon yet…and for that I curse you Subway Canada!), a hassle free check in process….

And then…

The security gate.

It’s a terrifying place isn’t it? My heart beats rapidly every time; taking off the flip flops, pulling out the Ziploc bag of liquids in under-3oz containers, unzipping my purse and carry on for easy access. I am near-sweating at this point, and for what? I have nothing to hide. And then, as you walk through the ominous machine, hands at your side, and NOTHING HAPPENS, you breathe a sigh of relief and carry on your way.

So that didn’t happen this time.

That stupid ominous looking machine decides that I am the ‘random’ person of the hour that gets to be searched. LUCKY ME. And the kicker? The silly lady standing there with rubber gloves doesn’t know what the random search is going to be.

Huh?

So I am forced to stand there, feet spread, as she stares at me blankly explaining ‘it’s a random search and even we don’t know what kind of search its going to be… yet.”

Huh?

And douche-canoe security guy over to the left of me says “…mumble mumble…. Internal….mumble mumble”

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

And I thought I was sweating before.

I think the only reason I wasn’t taken to a side room for a thorough examination was because I drove the lady absolutely bat-shit crazy asking her over and over again what the hell they were going to do to me and could they please hurry it along. So, instead of a rubber gloved hand shoved up my ass, I got felt-up by a lady who probably didn’t enjoy 2nd base any more than I did.

And then I proceeded to drink my face off on the plane. If only to make me feel better for being violated. Of course.  

Stay tuned next week for when I tell you how I peed on a homeless man. True Story.