Dear Neighbour,
We haven’t met yet, and I guess considering the circumstances its unfortunate, since if we had a personal relationship of some kind I probably wouldn’t be writing this letter to you and calling you a douchebag. Then again, if we had a personal relationship of any kind, you probably wouldn’t have done what you did and all of this would be a moot point really. In fact, you probably would have asked politely and I probably would have been delighted to help you out!
I am sure you are confused, since douchebag’s rarely understand they are douchebags and can’t seem to fathom why they are labeled as such. You see, I think it is the fact that we do not know each other personally that makes you that much more of a douchbag for what you did.
I am seriously trying to put the word douchebag in this letter as many times as possible without being a douchebag myself. (7!)
Tuesdays are garbage day. I am sure you know this since I am pretty sure you have lived in our neighborhood a lot longer than us seeing as we just moved in. But considering you are more than likely a douchebag, I am guessing this little weekly ritual doesn’t cross your mind too often. So on Tuesdays, being that it is garbage day, it is customary for one to place their garbage bins and recycling at the curb early in the morning. Garbage disposal employees run on their own schedules, not ours. I know, right? Who knew?!
So last Tuesday, as you locked eyes with me rushing to get my garbage bin and recycling bags to the curb as the garbage truck just finished emptying your side of the street, I am baffled as to what actually went through your mind. You see, at that moment, I didn’t think, “hey, this douchebag is planning on throwing his garbage bin with mine because he forgot to put his out this morning”, but I am willing to bet you were thinking that exact thing, because as soon as I went back into my house to put together the last bag to throw in my OTHER ALLOWABLE GARBAGE BIN, you crossed the street and placed your bin next to mine.
As a rule, and one that the friendly (I use this word loosely) garbage men follow strictly, each house is allowed two bins of garbage, AND NOT ONE MORE! And on this particular morning, my garbage bin sprouted a twin.
So you see, douchebag neigbour, because I am NOT a douchebag neighbour, I left your bin there to be picked up out of the goodness of my heart. I decided being angry about your douchebag move was pointless, since, as I pointed out earlier, we do not have a personal relationship yet and I would hate to start some block-war over a stupid garbage bin.
Yeah, I am that awesome. Sorry that you may now never know how awesome I really am.
But now, this week, I am regretting that decision. Because this week, I was forced to hold back garbage. Because this week, I had two full bins plus an extra bag. I had all this, because you are a douchebag.
But I am so glad that you only had to have one bin out on your curb. That was special.
Douchebag. (14!)
Yours truly,
Your garbage laden neighbour.
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