It's that time of year once again...

...and no matter what we do, we can't seem to run away from it...

Today I turn 31. Really doesn't matter anymore though does it? 365 days ago I stopped caring. I can promise you all that I will NEVER accept aging gracefully and will always whine, complain and moan my way into my 40s and 50's.

Aging to me boils down to this:

I have this unbelievably astronomical fear of death. Whenever I read about it in the paper, see it on the news, or just randomly think about dying for no other reason than because I am weird, I get this deep rooted pain in my gut and I get lightheaded. Tears will magically spring into the corner of my eyes and visions of my children dance before me. It scares me. It terrifies me. It challenges my sanity even!

I envy those people who accept death, even welcome it, when their time is near. The older generation that know their time is limited seem to embrace life as it is and find comfort when they slip away...others opening their arms in relief. Perhaps when I become that age I will finally understand it, but for now I can't seem to wrap my head around it... it seems so unjust to be OK with leaving behind loved ones.

But really, when I think of dying, I think about dying NOW... at an age where I still have so much to see and do. THAT is what terrifies me. Of it just being OVER. DONE. NEVER AGAIN.

About 2 months ago I decided to follow up with an old friend on facebook that I hadn't spoken to in awhile. In my mind, I thought it had been about a year... but in reality it was just over two... and here, on her facebook page, I learned that she had passed away not TWO WEEKS after I had last spoken to her. I was and still is deeply affected by this...and I think this is what has made me realize this fear that I have... because really, before that I never really thought about death. Well at least, I never got lightheaded.

She was young. She had so much ahead of her. And too soon she was taken away because of bad decision in her life. She won't ever have children to love, cherish, and raise into adults. She'll never again see her family or friends. She'll never get to experience marriage or find that all-consuming love. She'll never get to see blue sky again.

It's funny in a way, but I've noticed that I look at it in HER perspective and not those that are livings perspective.

Not a day has gone by in the last two months that I haven't thought of her.

I really didn't mean to make my birthday post so...depressing... but when I write, I let the thoughts flow rather than plan it all out. You guys are lucky I even spell check :-)