Mean People Suck

...funny enough I am talking about myself.

Yesterday I got mad. Well, I'll lighten that a bit and just say I got slightly angry. And the most ironic part? I can't really say what exactly made me mad, because I don't really have a clue as to what I want from the situation.

As a woman...we are allowed that right I think (it's the double standard rule).

Fuck emotions huh? They always seem to get in the way of the important stuff like maturity. Stubbornness is also a root cause I am sure. But the basis of it all is - I WANT MY FEELINGS TO COUNT. I want to be asked if *I* am OK too. But, I can't shake the nagging thought that if I did get that, would it still be enough.

Back to the original statement about not knowing what I want out of the situation. God I so encompass the hormonal female don't I?

But I digress again and again... because the bottom line is that I got mad and I was mean. I wasn't terribly mean by any long stretch, but I am not a mean person at heart, so it really bothered me that I said a few things that probably hurt someone elses feelings because I truly believe in the 'treat others as you want to be treated' mantra. I am sorry, but I can't take them back. That bites.

So for all you people out there that have been confused by all my cryptic writings in regards to this situation... here is the Cole's Notes:

I have the 'guy friend' who I really enjoyed spending time with, talking to, listening to, and just basically getting to know. He is married (some of you know this) and his wife has trust issues. She found out we were friends, blew a gasket, and now he is no longer allowed to associate with me (again Cole's Notes, bare with me). I am UBER sad about all this because well, I was being made out to be some kind of predator or something... like I was out searching to destroy a family or something! That said, I had my own problems to deal with (which you are aware of) and my own family issues that needed and still need work... that all this combined together almost put me over the edge I tell you!

Now, I am sad that we have to ignore each other when we see each other... but really, that is sort of why I am angry...or WHY I got angry yesterday. I felt dehumanized. I felt like a piece of dirt that could be swept under the rug because my feelings didn't matter.

Make sense?

So again... encompass the hormonal female? Am I being too sensitive? Am I being a big baby? Sometimes I wonder. Because really, in the grand scheme of things, my life isn't missing something important because he isn't 'allowed' to be my friend... it's not like we were even friends for a long time. Maybe it's just the fact that I have no control of the situation? That feeling 'out-of-control' is what's really bothering me?

Fuck, who knows. This post was really more about me being mean and feeling remorseful.

Fuck.